Watching a documentary about the science behind sexual attraction makes you question some things about yourself.
It makes you question why you haven’t been watching documentaries before. It makes you question how much you swing your hips when you walk. It makes you question a lot.
It makes me question myself.
I’m 18, a strawberry-blonde, affectionately described as a “half-ginger” by my friends, and a repeat junior going into her senior year. I had always been the smart one in my grade – logically, able to keep pace with the teachers, but once I repeated a grade I felt that I had lost some part of me. It felt like i had failed in my role as the smart one, and as a “good kid,” I wanted some identity to hold onto. But what identity could I have? I hadn’t always judged myself by my grades but by my logic skill, like a sim playing chess for five hours. But now that this trait was gone in my eyes it left me with nothing.
I’ve never seen myself typically pretty. Sure I’ll have some good days, days where I can put on the sparkly purple lipstick and add a bit of eyeliner but most days, I’m me. A freckled kid with red spots and acne around the nose. I consist of nails that are covered in chipped polish and the white scars on my legs. And while I know I am more than this, being alone for 18 years makes me forget the rest of it sometimes. I am bones and skin and muscles and not the optimal ones at that
And so I sit here, watching facial structure be analyzed, and I sit and I think and I open up photobooth. I click on mirror. No matter how hard I try, I can not make my face look normal and feminine. And I’m not trying to insult myself in this moment but figure something out. I shrug and turn back to codecademy. Not today, but maybe someday I’ll find my label.
Until then, I’ll go back to learning what I find in front of me.
console.log(“Maybe I’ll find my place again.”)